I can't forgive myself
by elou894
Summary: FIRST FANFICTION EVER. Cate/Lux Extra on Family Therapized. Cate tries to explain herself. I Love You. Just read it :
1. Chapter 1

**Just a little short take off on the end of family therapized. I do not own any characters.**

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"Lux, you don't have to forgive me. I can't forgive myself. I'll never be able to forgive myself."

"Cate"

"No Lux. Listen. I'm so mixed up inside. When I gave you up, I pushed you away. I pushed everything away. All of my problems, and everyone I loved. I made myself believe that Baze was the problem. That giving you up would solve

it. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made."

Cate slowly sat down on the couch. Lux moved to sit by her, looking at her, trying to read her expressions. Sitting by her, but not ready to comfort her. She still couldn't understand a mother giving up her child, but she was trying. Closing her eyes, Cate continued.

"I am so messed up inside. My father rejected me when he left, and after Baze rejected me, I didn't know how to deal with having you, so I pushed you away. I pushed all of it away. All my life since giving you up has been a lie. All this time I've been wanting you, but I was too afraid to try and get you. Everything I've ever wanted, everyone, has rejected me. I didn't think I could deal with another rejection, so I rejected you before you could do so to me. "

"Cate I never would have rejected you," Lux cut in.

"I know that now, but then...I had no one. My mother was an alcoholic, my father left me when I was six, my sister was a kid, and the one responsible ignored me. I know I can't blame them. I've been blaming others my entire life. But I can't anymore. The blame is on me, I am guilty, and I accept that. I just want you to understand. You think that no one has ever wanted you, but Lux, you're wrong. I have always wanted you. My entire life. I never admitted it. You asked me if I had ever considered keeping you. The answer was true. I hadn't. I couldn't keep you. I wanted you and everything I've ever wanted has been messed up. So I lied to myself, and have been lying to everyone since. But I've decided to tell the truth now. And I'd be lying if I said that life without you has been good. Time stopped the day I gave you up. I was living in my own personal twilight zone, and everything I did was a lie. But you should know, I'm not lying anymore. Not to you, and not to myself."

Cate looked at Lux, tears flooding her eyes.

"Time started for me again that day I saw you in the parking lot. It was like waking up from a dream. No, it was like waking up from the nightmare that was my life without you. But I'm awake now, and I'm doing the best I can."

Lux moved in closer to Cate, her mother. "I know Cate. Thank you. I-I love you." She held her mother as sobs racked through the older woman's body. Through her sobs Cate held Lux tightly, and managed a watery smile. "I love you too Lux, I always have."


	2. Chapter 2

**Alright, so i know this is really really short, but i just wanted to update so you know im still trying. Like I said, this is my first fanfiction, so im doing my best, and i know its short. Just hang in there :) Italics are thoughts. **

LUX

_Things have been pretty good since we talked,_ Lux thought. _I understand Cate better. I'll never completely see how she could give me up, but I don't think she understands either...If she was still trying to tell me that she thought I'd be better off without her, I don't think I'd even be able to look at her. But I can tell she's been suffering too...I guess I've just never tried to see her side of the story..._

CATE

_Lux seems to be doing alot better since I tried to explain. She doesn't seem to hate me anymore. Well, that's good. At least one of us doesn't hate me. Ever since we talked, all I can think about is what if I'd kept her... _

Cate dug out the sonogram pictures of Lux. She'd never even looked at them. Just like she'd never held Lux. Seeing them would have been admitting that she was real. They were in a box with the stuff she'd brought home from the hospital. The hospital gown, maternity clothes, hospital socks, and...a little pink hat? She'd never even seen that! Tears began to well up in Cate's eyes as she held the infant hat. Trying to control herself, she continued to go through the box. _Oh. No. I thought I'd gotten rid of that._ Cate slowly grabbed the sloppily made pink baby blanket which had been shoved into the box. The tears flowed. While she was pregnant with Lux and she couldn't go out, she'd taken up crocheting. She'd unconsciously begun to crochet a baby blanket for a girl. She hadn't even known the baby's sex at the time. She didn't want to make anything for the baby, but found that she couldn't stop. She had wanted to give something to the child that she would never know. When she finished, it was horrible. The stitches were uneven and she'd thrown it in the corner. Somehow It had made it into this box... Cate lay down hugging the blanket to her chest, hat in one hand, sonogram in the other, unable to control the tears flowing down her cheeks.

LUX

When Lux got home from school that day, the house was quiet. "Cate?" Cate's car was in the drive way, but the house looked as though it had'nt been touched all day: the breakfast dishes were still in the sink. Lux cautiously wandered around the house. Lux searched the house, slowly becoming more frantic. _What if something happened? _"Cate?!" She went up to the attic. She heard breathing, and slowly looked around. The crawl space door was open. "Cate...?" Lux went into the crawl space and found Cate asleep on the ground. She squatted down next to her.

"Cate are you alright? Cate? Wake up."

Cate opened her eyes and looked around, confused. "Lux?" Then she remembered..."Lux. Oh Lux, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."


End file.
